Depression and Weight-Loss

So it's Tuesday March 2, 2010 and this is my first time back posting in a long time. I don't know what to say...I don't know how to say it...part of me feels like a failure and the other part keeps screaming from the depths to say "No, you are not going to stop. You must keep going. You must win this battle." It's a difficult fight from within, but then again, you the viewers are not aware of the turmoil that lurks beneath my skin and strikes a hard blow to my psyche every morning. So, here is your information...here is your insight. I do this not for pitty or awe, but for awareness. So that you can see that even those around you who you would not suspect, may be suffering.

...I have a long standing history with depression. While it is not as severe as I have seen, it still impacts me every day. It is very likely that it was a factor with my hidden unhappiness in my high school years, but became more evident during my college days. Finally, about five years ago, I sought treatment. Since then I have been on medication to help stabalize my emotions. I don't seek to have my feelings block by chemical means, rather what I've worked with my doctors on is finding the right medication at the right dosage that allows me to feel like me...to feel like I am capable of making rational decisions and see the world for how it is rather than the darkness that tends to cloud it. It works. It really does.

However, around the end of December / early January, the medication I had been on for the past two and half years finally hit is "leveling-off" point and I was greatly affected by it's inability to work with my body anymore. So, I had to change medications. The only issue, it took a few weeks for the medicine to build up in my system and left me in a vulnerable state. I was doing okay though. I had the support of my boyfriend, family, and friends. Everyday I would remind myself of the positives and keep ahold of those thoughts tightly throughout the day. Finally, as the medicine began to build up, it became easier and easier to be me again. That's when tragedy hit. Per my last post, I lost a very close friend and supporter on January 29th. She was a daily figure in my life as we worked together at the University. She was the only person in my office whom I had shared my history of depression with and she knew of my medication change and helped to keep me upbeat at work during the transition. Her loss hit me hard in the last days of this transition and threw me into a major swirl. As I tried hard to crawl back out of the deep hole depression often digs, the major snow storms hit and once again the hole got bigger. Many people are affected by seasonal depression, but when you suffer with long standing depression, the seasons can have a major affect.

With more snow and winter conditions surrounding my city everyday, and the constant absence of my dear friend which I am reminded of everyday I walk into my office, it's been difficult to think positive. It's been a struggle to think about me and what I need to get better. It's been a struggle to eat right, workout, and update my blog. It's been a struggle to get out of bed every morning, get dressed, and walk into an office that reminds me of a tragedy. It's been a struggle, but I'm still here. I'm trying to do what needs to be done. I started therapy last week and will continue for the next few months. I made a budget to help control my groceries and force me to make GOOD choices at the supermarket. And I'm telling friends that I'm not okay, that I need support, and that with there help and the positive changes I am trying to make, I will get back to taking care of me and meeting this goal. The year is far from over...it's not even a third over yet. I have a half-marathon I am still signed up for and will be walking or jogging or crawling in two months. I have friends who love me and keep asking where my blog is...and I have a great boyfriend who cooks with me every night, supports me every day, and reminds of the positives that are in my life. I'm going to do this.

So, I have no idea what week this would be if I had kept up with my bloggin, but we will call this WEEK 1, Journey 2.

Week 1, Journey 2:

Starting weight: 219.2 pounds

See you next week...promise.